Landis Redux: God’s Own Drunk

For some perspective on the big news of the day, below is a repost from July 29, 2006 after the original Landis story:

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By now you’ve probably heard that after one of the most exciting Tours de France in history, Floyd Landis has apparently tested positive for an imbalance in his testosterone/epitestosterone ratio.

The media is making it sound like he shot up testosterone after a horribly difficult and mountainous Stage 16, which somehow gave him the strength to annihilate his competition the next day on Stage 17.

Some evidence suggests that Floyd’s seemingly superhuman power output on Stage 17 was “normal” for him based on his widely-circulated workout data. But, as more details emerge about Floyd’s Stage 16 recovery drink(s), it’s becoming clear that the media and the drug testing agency have it all wrong. The author of “Beer me, Floyd” was the first to speculate about the possibility that Floyd used “performance enhancing drugs” to win Stage 17.

Now, what was initially reported as one beer, is being reported as “two beers and at least four shots of whiskey.” His whiskey of choice? Jack Daniels, of course.

Hell, doesn’t everyone know that Jack Daniels is a performance enhancing drug? Every guy I know has experienced elevated testosterone levels (at a minimum) while drinking Jack.

In the 70’s and 80’s my extensive network of esteemed research associates and I participated in countless experiments with the performance enhancing effects of Jack Daniels. While none of us specifically tried to win a Tour de France stage, one diligent researcher named Larry Meltzer did attempt a Jack-induced bicycle ride. Late one night, at the culmination of a lengthy research session, he decided to leave my mountain-top research facility near Vail, Colorado to return home. The route of choice was perfect for a Jack Daniels test ride.

In less than ideal conditions, including the blackness of a rural alpine night, without a flashlight, Larry mountain biked downhill 1,500′ vertical through sagebrush, across Interstate 70, across more sagebrush and to the safety of his bedroom. Not only did Larry exhibit the testosterone needed to bike downhill through sagebrush and across Interstate 70, which would be a notable feat unto itself,
he did it at night.

This particular experiment not only demonstrated increased testosterone levels, it demonstrated that Jack improves night vision. Stories like this abound if only the media would pay attention. There is no question that a precise dosage of Jack Daniels could result in an epic Tour de France stage win. Unfortunately, there is a dark side. Our experiments led most of us to the conclusion that the effects of Jack Daniels could be unpredictable–one minute you’d be talking with God, the next minute you’d be praying to the porcelain god. Fortunately, Floyd is one of those rare individuals genetically predetermined to convert Jack to testosterone without the negative side effects that overdosing can cause.

No doubt about it, Floyd embodies what it is to be “God’s own drunk and a fearless man.”

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