Adapted from the Seinfeld episode, The Bottle Deposit #1
[Bike Shop]
Cyclist and mechanic stand beside the bike. Cyclist looks worried and mechanic is looking like he’s in love with the bike. He runs his hands over the top tube an along the lines of the frame. Mechanic is a little intense.
MECHANIC: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this bike. Beautiful bike.
CYCLIST: Yeah. So, anyway, the derailleur’s been shifting a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up…
Mechanic isn’t hearing cyclist. He climbs onto the saddle and begins ferreting about.
CYCLIST: There’s really nothing wrong with the rest of the bike.
MECHANIC: Well, the shifters are loose. You know about that?
CYCLIST: No, I hadn’t noticed.
MECHANIC: (accusingly) Have you been picking at them?
CYCLIST: Have I been picking at them? No. You know. It’s just wear and tear.
MECHANIC: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
CYCLIST: The derailleur is really the only thing that needs checking.
MECHANIC: You been rotating the tires?
CYCLIST: Try to.
MECHANIC: (sharp) You don’t try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? ‘Try to.’
[Outside Bike Shop]
Cyclist looks a touch anxious as mechanic approaches. Mechanic is still real intense.
CYCLIST: Hey, Dennis.
MECHANIC: Thanks for coming in, Dave.
CYCLIST: Sure.
MECHANIC: I think I know what’s goin’ on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don’t lie to me, Dave. You know that chain lube you’ve been using? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn’t it?
CYCLIST: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here…
MECHANIC: Dave, chain lube is the lifeblood of a bike. Okay, you use a low-grade lube you could damage vital bike parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket!
CYCLIST: I really wanna…
MECHANIC: Here’s what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire bike. But it’s gonna take a major commitment from you. You’re gonna have to keep it under twenty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the lube changed every hundred miles.
CYCLIST: How much money is this gonna cost me?
MECHANIC: (contempt) Huh. I don’t understand you. It’s your own bike we’re talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the bike. You don’t know the mileage, you don’t know the tire pressure.
When was the last time you even checked the seat height?
CYCLIST: The seat height is fine.
MECHANIC: (angry) The seat height is not fine!
CYCLIST: Alright, you know what, uhm… I just wanna take my bike, and I’m gonna bring it someplace else.
MECHANIC: What d’you mean?
CYCLIST: Just, can I have my bike? I wanna pay my bill, I’m gonna be on my way.
MECHANIC: Well, the bike’s on a bike stand.
CYCLIST: Well, just get it down.
MECHANIC: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I’ll uh, I’ll bring it around.
CYCLIST: Okay. Thank you, very much.
Mechanic walks away into the bike shop. The cyclist’s significant other arrives.
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Hey. Where’s the bike?
CYCLIST: He’s bringing it.
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Good.
There is the sound of downshifting gears, and then a squeal of tires and the cyclist’s bike emerges from the bike shop at high speed. It passes the cyclist and the significant other and races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the bike, and at each other in astonishment.
